Why Forgiveness Is So Hard

Courtesy of Felix Koutchinski @ Unsplash

There is an undeniable reality in the construct of human relationships that affects all of us at one point or another in time: being wronged.

No matter who you ask, you will find that the majority of society would say that they have at one point or another made mistakes, hurt others, or committed wrong acts that negatively affected another person in such a way that caused hurt, pain, suffering, trauma, a feeling of injustice or degradation. Because this is such a pervasive reality that occurs with human relationships on a macro and micro level; it is up to each and everyone of us to determine how we respond to such hurt when it happens to us.

Now, yes, I will of course reveal that we too will be on the other side of the coin when it comes to hurt and that we will at one point or another cause pain to someone else. But I want to focus on the inverse reality in this post, because many times it is more difficult to forgive than ask for forgiveness.

There are some points of wisdom we can glean about the concept of forgiveness that will expand our capacity for peace & harmony in the world around us and more importantly the life within us. Here are some of those points:

Forgiveness leads to freedom

The opposite reality of forgiveness is resentment. When we hold onto bitterness and pain, it decreases our ability to create peace and harmony in our lives. We hold onto resentment because we think that it will provide justice for being wronged and because we feel like it gives us power over the person that wronged us. Yet, resentment has the opposite effect. Resentment actually causes injustice in our own lives. It takes up much needed emotional space relationally and therefore decreases our ability for flourishing in our relationships. It also does not give us power, but strips it away. Resentment allows the person who wronged you free rent in your psyche and spirit and binds you to that person, when the whole point was to let that person have no space in your life. If you want emotional health and freedom, learn to forgive.

Forgiveness does not mean absolution

One major myth about the concept of forgiveness is that forgiveness means forgetting about the person who wronged you or letting that person off the hook for what they did. That concept of forgiveness is just that: a myth. It’s not true at all because it minimizes your real feelings about what happened and because it minimizes what the other person did. Forgiveness does not absolve that other person for wrongdoing. What happened to you will unfortunately always be a reality that cannot be erased. But what forgiveness does do is make a bold claim that your past hurt doesn’t have to define your present reality. Forgiveness is subversive because it doesn’t allow injustice and evil to have the last word. Instead justice and love flow in the person who has truly forgiven and the other person is left with their own choice to change for the better or to continue down the road of self destructive behavior.

Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation

This is a really important point to note here. Forgiveness does not mean a bringing back together of things. It can have that effect, but it is not required for forgiveness to be real. Many times for example in the case of abuse one might feel that if they forgive their abuser for their evil actions, that they have to have a reconnected relationship for the forgiveness to have validity. Absolutely not the case. Forgiveness means a change in feelings and attitude, not a change in relationship or reality. One should not go back to an abusive relationship or accept similar behavior in another one. What forgiveness does do is in fact allow that person to self-examine all of the feelings they are harboring, process those feelings where they can learn the negatives, and resolve themselves to not go back to those things that once hurt them. Trauma and related psychological realities can be complex and difficult to dismantle and learn from so seeking professional, licensed therapy is always advised.

Forgiveness means healing and wholeness

The final word in this post I want to emphasize as a positive one, because I know how difficult the work of forgiveness is in our lives. I’m still working on identifying and implementing forgiveness work in my own life with past relationships. For you, I’m certain that you want to be healthy and whole. I’ve yet to meet a person who wanted to live a life of constant nihilistic despair and suffering. All people desire is wholeness: to feel like they are well-adjusted, resilient, adaptable, strong, competent, and confident. These days those traits are harder to find because we live in a harsher world and we live in a world where more people are broken more quickly with less access to quality help and less ability to find healing. This is an issue. We need to promote and propagate peace and harmony in our society and in turn we can receive the same. It might take a fundamental shift for you to leave the life of bitterness and resentment and find a life of wholeness and self-actualization but I promise you it’s worth it. You’re worth it.