Five Reasons Why Grieving Death is More Difficult in the Pandemic
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AUTHOR’S NOTE: The idea for this post was conceived in late May 2020, but I felt like that was too soon in the pandemic to really gain a sense of how the pandemic affected individuals, especially the bereaved. I originally submitted this post for publication with my employer in October 2020. I published this post on my personal site on the last day of 2020 in honor of those who have lost loved ones during a “once-in-a-century” global crisis. May those who’ve died be remembered not for how they died but for how they lived. May those who grieve continue to find solace and strength in the midst of sadness and adversity.
It is no secret that losing someone you loved and cared for due to death is immensely difficult, and with that difficulty comes a whirlwind of emotions and feelings which we commonly call “grief.” Even in good times, death is a complex reality to process. The unique and individual relationships we have with people allow us to form bonds that can never be completely untangled. People leave an indelible mark on our lives and we are, in part, formed out of those relationships we have with others. So it should be of no surprise that when someone we know dies, it becomes just as complex to adjust to the new reality of that person being gone physically from our lives as it was complex in the reality of them being alive and present in our lives.
Unfortunately, with the pandemic that has affected the globe, we are all facing new and unexpected stressors, trauma, and losses of various kinds that has us, both collectively and individually, reeling in pain and uncertainty. Grief affects all of us, whether we want to deny its existence in our lives or not. But we can move through the pain, the sorrow, the fear and the unknown that grief presents us with. That’s the hope. It’s all we have in these unprecedented times.
There are five reasons why facing grief has become that much more difficult during these times of a pandemic. I also want to share how we can manage our emotions and the practical situations that arise due to these reasons:
1. Not Seeing Loved Ones at the End of Life
Due to the pandemic, new protocols have been put in place for the general public to ensure containment of the virus and overall public safety, yet those new protocols have produced an outcome that has made things much more difficult; especially for senior citizens who reside in assisted living, nursing home, personal care home, and other facility-type settings: isolation. Lockdowns have been put in place for months and this has caused seniors in these settings to not receive visitors outside of these settings, including those they love most: precious family members and friends. Increasing isolation and contact from loved ones can emotionally devastate seniors, especially those who are at the end of life. There have even been restrictions on how often healthcare professionals can see senior citizens receiving care and how often. These things have caused much pain both for the senior citizen and for the loved ones and healthcare professionals who love and care for them respectively. The good news is that there have been more creative ways to reach out to these precious people with outdoor interventions, celebrations, volunteers handing out activity bags, and an increase in testing and personal protective equipment has allowed more people to visit and resume activities with safety measures still in place.
2. Delays and Changes with Funeral Arrangements
Because of what is happening with the pandemic, protocols have been put in place that affect gatherings of individuals, including funeral services, visitations and wakes to memorialize the dead and to support the living. Because of these restrictions, people can’t gather for formal services, they can’t gather for fellowships, visitations and wakes; they can’t travel many times to attend a funeral, and other restrictions have complicated those in grief to process their loss, as many times the funeral ritual allows people the space to process their grief and to feel loved by those in attendance. Creative ways have had to be formed in supporting those who want to honor their loved ones such as livestreaming services, an increase in graveside services due to them being outdoors, and more informal gatherings with less people. While these are worthwhile alternatives, people continue to grieve “what could’ve been” and many dying people’s wishes in how to be honored after death left unfulfilled. Yet, we need to tell ourselves that honoring our loved ones, even if it is not ideal, is better than to do nothing at all. Making space for us and those closest to us to grieve the loss is better than delaying our feelings hoping for a better day to come.
3. Lack of Physical Support
There has been a domino effect of a breakdown of an individual’s support system since the pandemic has surfaced. In my opinion, the number one factor in someone being able to move through the grieving process in a healthy and well-adjusted manner is to have a strong support system in place. Whether it’s having family, friends, neighbors, co-workers checking in on you, whether it is your faith community or other communities/organizations providing spiritual and/or soul care to you, whether it’s finding a grief counselor, psychotherapist, or another mental health professional to provide support to you as you process the emotions related to your loss; these factors and others can be the difference between someone who will heal from their loss and someone who will suffer needlessly. With the pandemic, increasing isolation, loneliness, and social distancing along with other precautions has fostered an environment where many people are hurting and there is no recourse or solace from the pain. Again, creative modalities to allow people access to others such as video chat, text messages, and conferencing software to access people without being physically present has helped, but with technology comes exhaustion and it’s an alternative worth exploring but it is not a replacement for in-person support. Then again, maybe breaking out the stationary, writing a sweet card or letter, and mailing it could be a nice, refreshing way to tell someone you love them.
4. Delays with Legal Affairs
For those who have had experience losing a loved one to death and having to be a POA, or an executor of a will or trust; they can tell you that navigating all of the paperwork, all of the phone calls, going to probate court, and all of the other necessary avenues to put a close to someone’s financial, legal, and social responsibilities is utterly exhausting in good times. Yet, with the pandemic, these responsibilities have been exacerbated on a level that can make doing these things almost impossible. Delays include court systems postponing cases being heard, government offices having limited hours or staff available, delays with receiving a death certificate, insurance companies delaying payments, and other various affairs becoming increasingly complicated and difficult. It does appear that things are loosening up and that it is becoming easier to have these various affairs completed but it’s not the same and it is still stressful for many.
5. Complicated Grief with New Stressors
This reason is just a summary of the first four reasons listed here, but it also includes new realities that make moving through life which has its difficulties and responsibilities when things are well that much harder during a pandemic. If you have school age children, having limited or no access to in-person daycare or schooling and hence your children being at home can make things much more difficult due to most parents having to work. Not being able to have a reprieve and enjoy much needed social entertainment such as movies, plays, and other events can make a stressful life more unbearable due to the inability to decompress. Other stressors have happened such as job insecurity, financial instability, unraveling political discourse, and social justice movements protesting racial injustice and more have caused a combination that has allowed us to feel uneasy, fearful, and worried about what the future will look like for us and for generations ahead and before us.
These reasons and others unspoken alone could allow us to feel hopeless and in despair. That is grief speaking to us: begging us to stop ignoring how we feel and to take the time to acknowledge what is going on inside of us and around us. Our hope is found in finding support when we feel alone and being supportive to those we know are hurting. We must find new ways to do this and to continue to do this safely. We will get through this. Not because it’s overly optimistic or naive, but because it's true.